100 Easy Ways to Make Women's Lives More Bearable
Oh, God. This article exists. Why? I don't understand who this is for. The 100 Things White People Can Do To Kiss POCs' Collective Ass (But Not Too Much, Because Then It's Weird) list has a companion piece, guys! Isn't that great? Isn't that fun? Now there's a list for self-hating men to jerk off to, not just self-hating white people. It's written by Dani Beckett, whose ideal man is one who walks around shirtless and attractive, bringing her tea in bed, according to the image accompanying this list. Because when you have the title 100 Easy Ways to Make Women's Lives More Bearable, double standards about sexual objectification are bound to happen, apparently.
A few years ago I started compiling a list of easy actions that men can take to meaningfully support gender equality. Every year, I would post it on social media. Slowly, other women started contributing suggestions. So the list grew. And grew. It will likely never stop growing.
Keep the "meaningfully support gender equality" point in mind, guys. Make sure to keep a tally of things that do that as opposed to having minor, hyper-specific complaints about first-world problems. I'm also forced to question the validity of your victimization when a 100-point list of what men need to do for you to make you happy and fulfilled is apparently not even scratching the surface of Good Enough. The problem might be with you, honey. Just saying.
To the men reading: You may already do some of these things, and others you may not be in the position to do. But a good place to start is by, at the very least, reading the list through—in its entirety. And remember: These apply all year, not just during the annual 24 hours dedicated to half of the planet's population.
How much you want to bet Ms. Dani Beckett gives no shits about International Men's Day?
Edit: I tried treating this with the same point-by-point response to all 100 as I did the companion piece, but this one just broke me, guys. She apparently boiled this list down from multiple hundreds of suggestions, and it still manages to be repetitive, rambling drivel that couldn't make a clear point to save its life. I couldn't do it. It's been days since I've started trying to write this and I'm still not done. Screw it. I'm picking the ones I had the patience and will power to answer and leaving the other ones on the cutting room floor here. I'm a failure, I know.
1.Before explaining something to a woman, ask yourself if she might already understand. She may know more about it than you do.
So . . . we're starting off with man-splaining, huh? This is point numero uno. Okay.
I was going to bet money that at least 80% of the list is going to be the exact kind of patronizing condescension that Beckett accuses the entirety of men-kind of being so guilty for, but that's just a rigged game. I wouldn't do that to you.
2. Related: Never, ever try to explain feminism to a woman.
What if it's a male feminist trying to explain feminism to a woman who is a part of the 70+% of women in Western countries who don't consider themselves feminists? I suppose it's only fitting that we get the woman=feminist point out of the way early. While we're on the topic of feminism, I like how your movement that's all about equality and eliminating gendered double standards apparently forbids men from being able to explain it to the uninitiated.
3. Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.
That was worded in a really needlessly aggressive way. Being a dick is not how you encourage people to to not be dicks.
And, yes, if someone decides to take on the social identity and appearance of a woman because it's conducive toward their mental health to do so, fine. There are still plenty of people in the world–men and women–who think that's it's some sign of moral and intellectual fortitude to tell other people how to present themselves to the world. But engaging in unprovoked aggression towards someone who may already fucking agree with you is not helpful, and it certainly doesn't make those aforementioned "red pilled" people want to listen to you and honestly consider your points. If you don't treat them with basic levels of courtesy, there's no reason for them to extend that to you.
4.RESPECT PEOPLE'S PRONOUNS. It's not hard.
It is pretty hard when you've got people making up pronouns they want to be called. There are parts of human language that are fixed grammatical features (like pronouns) and parts that are flexible (vocabulary). Asking people to change the way they use fixed grammatical words actually is difficult, especially when you have people wanting to be called "they," a fixed grammatical form that is typically only used to refer to a single person when it's an unidentified single party, not a specific and named one.
I don't want to make it seem like we've got a shit ton of people running around wanting to be called "xir"; The pronoun debate is mainly about using the preferred he/she pronoun of a trans person. And, sure, if someone wants to be called "Tom," I'm not going to insist on calling them "Thomas" just to lord my own superior understanding of properness over them. The same goes for pronouns. Once again, though, you beating people over the head with this REPEK ME hammer and implying that they're coming from a place of hate for not immediately toeing the line is not helping your fucking cause.
5. Remember that fat women exist and aren't all trying to get thin. Treat them with respect.
I'm sure we all known fat women exist. It's kinda hard to miss them. Ba dum CHING. I can make that joke because I'm a size 12.
6. In fact, just never comment on a woman's body.
I'll make sure to tell my loving, long-term monogamous boyfriend that he can stop telling me he thinks I'm hot. It's not like I appreciated that or anything.
7. Be kind to women in customer service positions. Tip them extra. (But not in a creepy way.)
Okay, this is gonna seem like a tangent, but it needs to be addressed at this point. Can we please talk about how classist these people are? The companion piece to this article had a very consistent overtone of economic elitism wherein it treated "white people" as interchangeable with "upper middle class to wealthy members of of urbanite intelligentsia that donate money and go to culture clubs and sit in on panels," with the one time it even acknowledged poor white people as a thing being to overtly and unashamedly say it didn't care about them or their issues.
Then you have this article, telling people to give preferential treatment to the help if they happen to be women. Because being the help is apparently a peachy keen, high-paying gig where people treat you with respect and dignity as long as you're a man working that job. It's not like working in customer service sucks for everyone, but I'm sure that guy making $8.50 an hour to wait on you and your entitled friends really appreciates you lording your moral do-goodingness over him by paying him less to compensate for the privileges he has over you.
8.Trust women. When they teach you something, don't feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.
Are women just incapable of being incorrect now? If someone tells me something that I think is questionable, I'm going to Google it in front of them. It's the 21st fucking century. I'll do what I want. My group of friends is me and four guys; we fact check each other all the time. In our conversation about early 2000s anime, they can apparently question each other's knowledge all day, but everything I say just has to be taken wholesale. If I say the Death Note anime came out in 2003, my friend isn't allowed to say, "I don't think it came out that early. You might be thinking of the manga. I'll check," because he has a dick. You're essentially applying a double standard to any co-ed conversations. Way to go.
9.Don't maintain a double standard for… anything, ever.
10. CLOSE YOUR LEGS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, OH MY GOD.
Men have external genitalia. That's certainly a better excuse to take up slightly more room on the subway than the perpetual old-lady-taking-up-three-seats-with-her-inexplicable-number-of-purses, or teenager-who-stretches-out-across-entire-benches-because-fuck-you.
11.Trying to describe a woman positively? Say she's "talented," "clever," or "funny." Not "gorgeous," "sweet," or "cute."
What if she isn't talented, clever, or funny? What then? What if she's Caroline from Roses,who is mighty fine but not much else? Are you under the impression that some random man off the street is going to be complimented for personality traits he doesn't have?
The thing is, I would actually agree with you if you didn't constantly engage in this ridiculous implication that women should be complimented for positive traits that they don't even have just because it's not politically correct to acknowledge their appearance or femininity in any way. The "women are, men do" social standard wherein men are complimented on accomplishments (like being funny or clever) and women are complimented on internal characteristics (like being pretty or sweet), actually is a thing that actually does contribute to some arbitrary gender norms. This is my issue with internet feminists: Every time you have something resembling a point, you ruin it.
12.Examine your language when talking about women. Get rid of "irrational," "dramatic," "bossy," and "badgering" immediately.
What if they are irrational, dramatic, bossy, or badgering? You are certainly all of these things, Dani Beckett. At least according to this list. Alex Jones is irrational. Kanye West is dramatic. Stanley Kubrik is bossy. Donald Trump is badgering. These are words that describe behaviors. You are telling people to not use words to describe things that those words describe.
13. Don't think to yourself, I describe men like that too. A) You probably don't. B) If you do, it's to criticize them for acting like a woman.
Wow, I didn't know Danni Beckett was a fucking mindreader. That's impressive! I like how you have a built-in response to the inevitable criticism of that last point. And even in your forward-thinkingness, the best you could come up with is "you only use those words to deride people for being too womanly." That's sad.
14. Do you love "fiery" Latina women? "Strong" Black women? "Mysterious" Asian women? Stop. Pick up a book on decolonial feminism. Read.
I'm not sure about the third one, but the first two are stereotypes actively perpetuated by left wing people. Why don't you stop it?
15. Stop calling women "feisty." We don't need a special lady word for "has an opinion."
That's not what "feisty" means. Even in it's colloquial usage, it's not a "womanly" thing, it's a word used to describe someone/something that is unexpectedly intense or energetic. A cute dog that that barks and snaps at people is called "feisty." An adorable little kid who mouths off to authority figures is called "feisty." If you're a 5'2″ blonde girl with resting nice face, you might be described as "feisty" if it turns out you're really sarcastic and caustic in conversation. No one's looking at Sheryl Sandberg or Ronda Rousey or Michelle Obama and calling them "feisty," because they all have an overtly intense look and demeanor about them already. You are once again telling people to just stop using words that mean what they mean.
18. Examine the way you talk about women you're attracted to. Fat women, old women, queer, trans, and powerful women are not your "guilty crush."
It's not enough to find atypical women attractive, guys. You have to own that shit. But not too much, because then you're fetishizing us, and that's sexist and wrong. This is the "find POC people attractive, but don't think our race is an attractive feature" talking point all over again.
19. Learn to praise a woman without demonizing other women. "You're not like other girls" is not a compliment. Iwant to be like other girls. Other girls areawesome.
Wow, I've never seen an SJW straight-up admit that they don't want to be an individual person. I mean, it was implied, but . . .
This point is ridiculous. The guy is telling you that you are special, Dani. He's calling you one-of-a-kind. He's saying there's no one else out there quite like you. If your response to that compliment is, "Nuh uh, I'm entirely mediocre, just like every other girl you've ever met! And that's fine!" that guy should run away from you, full speed, never looking back.
I guess if your version of doing you is is being like everybody else, go ahead, but don't get your panties in a knot when someone assumes that you value uniqueness as a trait.
20.Share writing by women. Don't paraphrase their work in your own Facebook post to show us all how smart or woke you are. I guarantee the woman said it better in the first place.
This seems like a problem faced solely by the woke liberal crowds that seem overpopulated with enlightened ally men who talk the talk on social forums and rape the rape in private.
Also, casual misandry is always fun. "I guarantee the woman said it better." Try swapping that noun out with literally any other demographic and see how well that works out.
21. Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.
This is fine. Homeless shelters could always use more supplies of various kinds.
22.How much of what you are watching/reading/listening to was made by women? Gender balance your bookcase.
I don't know. Let's see.
According to Netflix, my most recent watches are John Mulaney's new stand-up special, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and Bojack Horseman. I don't think any of those are made by women. Reading-wise, I just finished The Book of Dust by Phillip Pullman and am currently reading a memoir called My Own Country by Abraham Verghese. And as far as music goes, I've been obsessively listening to The Voidz, then there's Jack White's new album, ZelooperZ, and Death Grips.
My media is pretty male-dominated at the moment. You know why? Because all of those things are awesome and worth my time. I care about quality, and when women make things that I like–as they frequently do–I'll give them my time as well. It's almost like that's how taste and interest work.
23.Feeling proud of your balanced bookcase? Are there women of color there? Trans, queer, and disabled women? Poor women? Always make sure you're being intersectional.
This is why young people are turning to conservatism in droves. It's not your policies turning them off. It's not even that the conservatives are inherently more appealing. It's this. You are not cool anymore, Dani Beckett. You are not the voice of a generation. You are not the counterculture.
You are the dowdy 40-something housewife with nothing better to do than observe from a safe, untainted distance the art other people like and turn your nose up at it for being uncouth. You are the geriatric whiner huffing and puffing about how the hip-hop and the rap music are destroying good morals and family values. You are the evangelical Christian forbidding your kid from reading Harry Potter because it promotes witchcraft. You are the concerned parents coalition that bans Marilyn Manson's music from your households because he promotes degeneracy. You are the cringey youth pastor who passive aggressively tut-tut-tuts at the kids in his youth group not supporting enough good Christian artists. You are the AM radio conservative talk show host who wants to boycott Disney because Elsa from Frozen is a lesbian and those are bad morals to promote to children. You are the parents from Footloose,the elders from Happy Feet, the dad from The Lego Movie.
You are a moralizing pearl-clutcher who wants to control the kind of art and creativity other people are allowed to enjoy and take part in.
You are LAME , Dani Beckett. And that is why people are tripping over their own feet running away from you.
24.Don't buy media that demeans women's experiences, valorizes violence against women, or excludes them entirely from a cast. It's not enough to oppose those things. You have to actively make them unmarketable.
You know, I don't tell you that you're not allowed to have shitty feminist media. I think you can like and buy and make and support on Patreon whatever the fuck you want. I think you can dislike and refuse to buy whatever the fuck you want.
I hate Tyler Perry movies. I think they perpetuate awful stereotypes and talk down to their black audience by assuming they are idiots amused by idiocy. But I'm not gonna go on the internet and say that we should start making Tyler Perry movies unmarketable just because I personally don't like them. Because I acknolwedge that not everyone on the planet has to like exactly what I like, and want exactly what I want, and make exactly what I want them to make, and connect to the things I connect with. Why can't you give other people the same courtesy? Why do you feel the need to police what other people are allowed to do, down to something as benign as what music they like or what movie they buy on Blu-Ray?
29. Stop raving about Woody Allen. I don't care if he shits gold. Find a non-accused-abuser to fanboy over.
Midnight in Paris is a good movie that is worth watching. Woody Allen could have actually been a proven abuser–which he isn't–and that would not detract from the fact that Midnight in Paris is a good movie that is worth watching. Fuck off. I'm done tackling these "people are only allowed to like art that I, Dani Beckett, personally approve of and curate first," bullshit.
34. Share political hot takes from women as well as men. They might not be as widely accessible, so look for them.
Can I share political hot takes from Tomi Lahren, Candace Owens, Diamond and Silk, and Lauren Southern? Or are they not the "right kind" of women to be supporting and uplifting?
35. Understand that it was never "about ethics in journalism."
It was though? Gamergate was started when the boyfriend of Zoe Quinn, a female game developer, had a very public emotional breakdown over her cheating on him repeatedly with some guys who, lucky her, happened to be media journalists who helped further her publicity and game-making career. That is as far as her involvement in Gamergate went. It quickly became not at all about her as the topic of discussion extended to the multiple kinds of corruption, nepotism, and brown-nosing found in that industry, of which she was only a single example. All of the people insisting that it was about Zoe Quinn and gamers "not wanting women in video games" have no fucking idea what they're talking about.
36. Speak less in meetings today to make space for your women colleagues to share their thoughts. If you're leading the meeting, make sure women are being heard as much as men.
Women are strong, guys! We swear. That's why we're in constant need of your help and support. If you are not working to uplift us and make space for us and encourage us 24/7, than we're just not going to be successful.
38. Promote women. Their leadership styles may be different than yours. That's probably a good thing.
More casual misandry again. Women are just better than men at most things and superior in most ways, guys. No big deal.
39. Recruit women on the same salary as men. Even if they don't ask for it.
Once again–women are strong! That's why you should entirely get rid of salary bartering as a possibility because women don't take advantage of it as much as men, and that's not fair. So now men can't do it either. Gotta even that playing field somehow, and asking women to do something about it is just too much work, you know?
40.Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.
I think the United State's lack of sufficient maternal and paternal leave is stupid, so sure.
45. If you find you're only interviewing men for a role, rewrite the job listing so that it's more welcoming to women.
Women are strong! That's why we have to be specifically catered to and ensured that we will continue to be specifically catered to in the future if you want us to send you an application.
47. Tell female colleagues what your salary is.
I make more than every single one of my male colleagues. It's called bonuses and asking for a raise when you think you deserve it. But wait a minute, that required me showing something resembling initiative, and expecting women to have initiative to receive higher pay is stupid when you could just get rid of the concept of asking for a raise instead. Silly me! I forgot.
50. If you manage a team, make sure that your employees know that you recognize period pain and cystitis as legitimate reasons for a sick day.
As with the maternity/paternity leave thing, I think the United States' utter lack of employee health standards in the work place, glorification of going to work while ill, and abysmal to nonexistent sick day policies is stupid. So yeah, give people more available sick days and make it clear that being bowled over by period cramps is sufficient reason for using one. I have no problem with this.
51. If you have a strict boss (or mom or teacher) who is a woman, she is not a "bitch." Grow up.
Stop telling people how to use words. You're straight up saying we can't use insults and profanity if the insult-ee is a woman now.
We're so strong, guys. It's unbelievable how strong you can be from the safety of a fainting couch.
57. If you see women with their hands up, put yours down. This can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of things. Think about it.
I've thought about it, and it's stupid. Stop telling people to socially demote themselves for the sake of making you feel better. It's patronizing to everyone involved.
58. Raising a feminist daughter means she's going to disagree with you. And probably be right. Feel proud, not threatened.
Or, or . . . you could not push your socio-political beliefs onto a child with no concept of what they truly mean or entail, answer their questions when they have them, and let them develop their own thoughts and opinions about things. You could do that.
God, you're like those cringey conservative parents who give their newborns Baby Republican onesies or tell them they're a Christian before they even know what the concept of God is.
65. Challenge the patriarchs in your religious group when they enable the oppression of women.
Does this apply to Muslims, Dani? Or just the safe-to-criticize, white people religions?
67. Trust women's religious choices. Don't pretend to liberate them just so you can criticise their beliefs.
Called it.
68.Examine who books your trips, arranges outings, organizes Christmas, buys birthday cards. Is it a woman? IS IT?
If it is, so what? Those are extraneous things. You know, the stuff you do because you want to do it. Nobody's reluctantly booking a vacation or grumpily planning fun amusement park day trips. These are things you do because you want to do them. You'd think a woman who wrote a 100-point list on everything she wants from other people would get the concept.
69. And if it is actually you, a man, don't even dare get in touch with me looking for your medal.
What the fuck is this list, guys?!
"You're being a bad ally to women if you don't do the things on this list, but if you do the things on this list, don't expect me to be happy about it! You're still a piece of shit who deserves no credit for doing anything good!"
What?! And I bet you wonder why more men aren't allied with you and your cause. The whole "treating them like shit even when they behave exactly how you want them to" thing probably contributes to it, if I had to make a guess. Just a shot in the dark here.
70.Take stock of the emotional labor you expect from women. Do you turn to the women around you for emotional support and give nothing in return?
So . . . don't be the emotional leech in a one-sided relationship? Wow, Dani, you're so insightful into the human experience. We definitely required your enlightened list of grievances.
74. If a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, don't ask her for proof. Ask how you can support her.
What's with these liberal circles and insisting that we take one specific group and regard their experiences and their claims in ways we would never regard other, similar situations? In the first list we have the idea that a POC perceiving a slight against them should just be taken wholesale even when we don't treat anyone else that way. And in this list we have the idea that we should just believe a woman who says she was assaulted/abused wholesale even when we don't treat any other crime that way.
But no double standards, ever. Amiright, guys?
77. Do not walk too close to a woman late at night. That shit can be scary.
Can a black man walk uncomfortably close to you at night, Dani? If you perceive that as scary, you're being racist, remember? Intersectionality is important, Dani. Don't half-ass your commitment to equality.
78. If you see a woman being followed or otherwise bothered by a stranger, stick around to make sure she's safe.
Way to ask people to white knight for you in real life situations that could get them hurt, Dani. If you see a woman in a possibly dangerous situation, call the respective authorities–the cops, a bouncer, security. Don't ask people to be civilian vigilantes on your behalf.
Also, women are strong, guys. That's why we need random strangers to keep an eye on us to ensure our safety.
80.If you are a queer man, recognize that your sexuality doesn't exclude you from potential misogyny.
Nope. Nope. You can't be all intersectional on me yet, Dani. I still haven't gotten an answer to the "Are women allowed to find black men scary?" question. Don't bring the gays into it now. That overcomplicates things.
83. Remember that you can lack consent in situations not involving sex—such as when pursuing uninterested women or forcing a hug on a colleague.
Maybe don't make implicit connections between being hugged when you don't want to be hugged and being raped? Maybe don't do that?
Fuck, I'm so done with this list.
85. Trust a woman to know her own body. If she says she won't enjoy part of your sexual repertoire, do not try to convince her otherwise.
What do you mean, "Don't try to convince her otherwise."? That's how experimenting sexually works! You are made aware of a kink or a fetish, and you're not sure if you'd be really into it. Or you think you'd be into it, but you haven't tried it. Then you go to someone and ask them if they want to try it out. And maybe they do say no that one time, but why does that then mean that you're no longer allowed to bring up the topic again? Why does that then mean that you're not allowed to bring up some counter-arguments to their worries or pre-conceieved notions to try to get them to meet you half-way? Relationships are about communication, and you're essentially telling people that they're not allowed to have discussions about topics that the woman involved is initially unimpressed by. There's a difference between badgering your wife to do some sex act she's repeatedly refused to do and trying to persuade your partner to be open to a sexual experience they're unsure about, and absolutely no distinction between the two is being made here. Shocking.
How much you want to bet Dani Beckett is single and wondering why?
87. It is not cute to try to persuade a woman to have sex with you. EVER. AT ALL. Go home.
What is with this idea that women are these unshakably certain creatures who never change their minds about anything ever, who cannot be persuaded, who cannot be swayed from their initial opinion on anything? Once again, there is a difference between harassing a woman who has made it clear she wants nowhere near your dick and coy dating games wherein a woman says no to a man's initial sexual advances as a step in the flirtation process, and it's usually clear which situation it is for anyone who isn't actually autistic. For someone who just wrote a point about body language and non-verbal cues, Dani sure as fuck loves to ignore them when they pop up in contexts she finds annoying.
89. Accidentally impregnated a women who doesn't want a kid? Abortions cost money. Pay for half of it.
It takes two to tango, and abortions cost like $1,000, apparently. So sure, split the fee. Make it easier for everyone.
90. Accidentally came inside a woman without protection? Plan B is expensive. Pay for all of it.
What? What is the logic between points 89 and 90? As I said, it takes two to tango. Either you go halfsies on expensive Plan B pregnancy prevention measures, or you don't. I don't even get the internal logic of this one. A woman should be reasonably expected to pay $500 towards an abortion, but paying like $40 bucks towards a Plan B pill is just too much?
92. Examine your opinion on abortion. Then put it in a box. Because, honestly, it's completely irrelevant.
Fuck you, Dani Beckett. Sincerely. You're going to draft up hundreds and hundreds of points all about what men need to do for you, all about what men aren't allowed to do, all about all the ways men fucked up, all about what men should do to be better–but men aren't allowed to have any opinion on "a woman's issue." You can tell men what to do all fucking day. But their opinions on what women should do? Totally irrelevant. We don't need to hear them.
But no double standards, guys. You know what? I take back my response to Number 89. Because if a guy's input on the topic of abortion is totally worthless, I guess you don't need any of his totally worthless money to help pay for one.
95. Believe women's pain. Periods hurt. Endometriosis is real. Polycystic ovaries, vaginal pain, cystitis. These things are real. Hysteria isn't.
It is though? Yeah, the old-timey definition of hysteria as "any mental or physical issue that makes a woman slightly discontent" is from a bygone era, obviously. But hysteria as a specific sub-type of anxiety is a thing. Congratulations on being so woke on mental health that you ignore an actual mental health issue because at one point the same terminology was used in a sexist manner.
All of those other things are also real. We've already talked about the various womanly pains and how they're real and should be taken seriously. What did you cut out of this list if this repetitive bullshit is what you decided was crucial to keep?
97. Lobby your elected officials to implement high quality sex education in schools.
Heeeeeey, something that would actually be helpful. That's a pleasant surprise for this list.
99. Do not ever assume you know what it's like.
You're not fucking special, Dani. And wait a minute, did you take it upon yourself to mindread and assume what's going on in men's heads and assume you know what their mental and external experiences are like in this very list? Multiple times?
Is that lack of an understanding only a one-way street where men perpetually know nothing but women just understand the trials and tribulations of all genders instictually?
100.Mainly, just listen to women. Listen to us and believe us. It's the only place to start if you actually want all women to have a "Happy International Women's Day."
Oh, I wish I hadn't taken it upon myself to listen to you, Dani Beckett.
This was fucking exhausting.
Source: https://disorderlypolitics.wordpress.com/tag/100-easy-ways-to-make-womens-lives-more-bearable/